No Hope
by Be one with Mother Russia
Summary: What was Sirius thinking, as he stood there, laughing? What led him up to that moment? Implied Slash, slight AU, Pettigrew bashing, extreme angst. SB/RL, LE/JP


**This is slash, well, IMPLIED slash, so no like-y, no read-y. ^.^ **

**Do NOT own. Sadly. v.v**

"Padfoot…"

Sirius Black paused for a moment, the trainers in his hands falling slowly on the bed. Then, resolutely, he began to pack furiously once more. "Sirius… Look at me. Please…"

Sirius ignored him. "Maybe you were right, Moony." He whispered, though the sound carried across the otherwise silent house clearly. "Maybe we weren't meant to be."

"Sirius… could you say that? After everything we've been through?" Sirius whirled around, and glared at Remus Lupin, tears falling down his cheeks.

"What else am I supposed to believe? Huh? What am I supposed to do? **Where did I go wrong, Remus?"** The tears wouldn't stop, cascading like twin rivers down his pale, perfect cheeks. At 19, there was so much he thought they could be. How wrong he was.

He thought what he had… what THEY had… was… was IT. Was perfect. Was ETERNITY. And yet again… he was abandoned by the one he loved most.

James and Lily, of course, had no idea what was going on behind the scenes at the Black-Lupin residence. Oh, they knew of their best friends' relationship. Hard not to, when they'd once taken every chance to snog, even (especially) in public. But now… now everything seemed to be falling apart.

Thunder cracked outside. Rain pelted the windows. Sirius glared at the man he had pledged to love forever… even if it was only in his head. And he would. He would always love Moony. Remus. Would always remember the tender touches… the soft kisses. The passionate nights and the beautiful mornings, sipping coffee in companionable silence. But… he couldn't take it any more.

That wasn't how thing were, how _they_ were, not now. The long, awkward silences, the cold nights. The empty mornings, when he awoke to his beautiful lover gone already at some asinine hour, the late, late nights, when he waited for the man to come back, and usually fell asleep, still waiting.

There weren't any more secret smiles or random dances across the house. There weren't any more warm hugs, or passionate nights or public kissing. There wasn't any happiness. Any love.

There were walls, blocking them from each other. And Sirius had no idea how to break them down. James and Lily never had these problems. They seemed so perfect. That was when it hit Sirius, as he stood there, chest heaving from his desperate yells, staring into the eyes of the man he loved more than anything else in the world.

Remus regretted him. The vile emotion filled his honey-chocolate eyes. He had to look away. He couldn't stand to see those eyes, so hurt, so guilty… so lost. He would lose his nerve if he stared into those perfect eyes any longer. Sirius slammed his suitcase shut, the turned to face Moony, and those eyes, once more.

He looked straight into Remus' eyes and whispered, "Partings are never happy. So why do we say good bye?" Moony was always the know-it-all. Maybe he could answer this for him? This one last question?

"So don't leave…" These words, just as quiet as Sirius' first comments, carried the same power, the same heavy, loud, overpowering energy that seemed to swallow the ground between them like the killing curse.

Sirius knew... if he walked out that door… he might never speak to Remus again. And that hurt… oh it hurt. Like a stab to the heart. But hearts healed… eventually. And staying felt like a never ending Cruciatus Curse.

So he left, rivers still pouring down his face to mix with the rain, falling like the tears upon his cheeks. Like the sky was crying for him too.

That was how a heartbroken, half-drown looking Sirius Black ended up on the doorstep of one James Potter, then, moments later, sobbing brokenly into the shoulder of one Lily Potter as she tried to console her best friend.

That was how one James Potter ended up on the front steps of the house Sirius had just left, and, moments later, held the horrified, stiff body of one Remus Lupin as he tried to get over his shock, then cried bitterly into his best mates' shoulder.

"Oh Sirius… what happened?" She whispered

"Oh Moony… what happened?" He murmured.

"He drifted away… so far away… he regretted me, Lily! I know he did!" Sirius cried himself into oblivion, falling asleep right there in Lily's lap.

"I don't know James… for once… I just…don't… know…" Moony was still in shock, his eyes wide and staring, unseeingly, at the bed, where a single picture lay. The last thing Sirius left behind…

…

Three Weeks Later:

A lost, terrified Sirius Black, newly age twenty, arrived at the house he had been staying at for nearly a month to stare around himself in shock.

The house was demolished, Lily lying dead in the rubble, James on the other side of the house from her. A single wail broke the silent night.

"Shh shh…" Sirius continued to stare in mute, horrified shock as a gigantic man gently cradled the crying Harry Potter to his chest. "Its alrigh', lil' fella." He crooned. Hagrid looked at the man. "Ye can' 'ave 'im, Sirius. I'm sorry. 'e's goin' ta' th' Muggles. Dumbledore's orders." Sirius nodded shortly, mutely. Meanwhile, a burning rage was filling him. The only one, who could tell anyone, anyone at all, where the Potters were staying… Peter Pettigrew.

That rat had sold them out. Sirius would kill him, if it were the last thing he ever did.

Less than twenty four hours later, as Pettigrew escaped as a rat, and Sirius stood alone in the street, amidst death and discord, all he could do was laugh.

Loud and long and hard. He laughed and laughed as the Aurors surrounded him, took him into custody. He had no hope of a trial.

He had no hope of getting away. He had no hope of seeing Moony again. Of apologizing. He had no hope of telling the man he loved him.

No hope. No hope at all.

…..

The end. Or is it?

…

**Hey guys! Hope you liked it! I MIGHT write a sequel, depending on the reception this one has! If it has mistakes, and it probably does, it IS three am here, please feel free to inform me of them! I won't bite! We don't know each other well enough!**


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